To Chain a Soul

So you may ask, what does it mean to chain a soul? Do you picture someone in bondage, someone literally in chains?

No, it is not physical but on the spiritual realm. To chain a soul is to allow yourself to become totally vulnerable. Not quite to the point of surrender of the spirit, but to the level that you are no longer afraid to let someone look completely into your soul.

When the other person reaches that same level of vulnerability, the two of you have chained a soul. It is ironic, as we are all connected regardless of what we feel or believe. How bizarre that we spend so much time as a species evading each other, evading ourselves. What a farce!

To share a soul is the same as chaining a soul. I remember when the Cheyenne first taught me this. He placed his hand on my cheek and said that I would never be alone again. We were souls. It has taken me years to understand that lesson. Suffice to say, I understand it completely now.

I have chained many souls in my short life. Met many that when I exposed my vulnerable, raw underbelly...they did not flinch, did not run and did not judge...they loved me. They embraced me. They saw me...

How do you do this you say? Patrick was the greatest teacher of this. He made it into a game. I never knew this until after you died and I read your journal. You & I had been doing the same thing our entire lives and never knew it. We started it with what I call the smile game. Smile at someone, see if they will smile back. Say hello if they smile, and see if they will say hello back. Then ask for help, directions or anything...see if they respond. This is how we begin to connect...a smile, a handshake, a hello, an embrace...we are all in this together, so why not be happy dammit. LOL

Last night was a wonderful example of a soul I chained several years ago when I first moved to Arizona. Her name is Michelle and she is about to graduate as a nurse. She & I grew up in very similar households. She is a beautiful, creative and loving heart, we have the same heart. I feel her so deeply. We went to the movies, ate ice cream and went to dinner. When I presented her with a watch as her graduation gift, she cried. I told her I knew how hard it was to go to school as a single mom and give up everything. I had done it too. I told her that she is going to be an amazing RN. I told her I loved her, and I do.

Chain a soul, with someone...anyone. Don't live this life in your head, live in your heart and in the present. Love yourself, stop judging yourself...if you are judging everyone else, stop now. These are just barriers we put up to keep us from the heart, from each other...from love.

solace

It is amazing what comes with the pain of discovery...like the sun appearing through the clouds after a fierce storm. I feel peace although I am far from resolved. Is the uncovering of our personal truths really the key. Is peeling back the layers until you find the center all we really need? Could it be that easy?

Some things, I think, just reveal themselves when the mind gets quiet enough to hear the soul speak. Others times, it is the shouts of pain that forces us into the fetal pose to undercover what lies within.

I am grateful today that I have those in my life, although far, who truly "get me" and know my soul. They are my family and although we don't get opportunities to share in Sunday dinners and holidays, they are still there upholding our truth.

I watched a movie last night, Shall We Dance, and I picked up on a line that I didn't notice before. When asked why people marry, she said, I suppose it is because we bear witness on their lives so they know they have existed... Patrick, you came immediately to my mind. I thought, what about Patrick who never found love...then I smiled and realized that his gift, his art and his zany personality...all of it will be remembered by those who knew him. His life didn't go unnoticed...smile.

So, I really don't know about me...what about my life will bear impact on others but as Sarah said today and others, I have encouraged others to move forward...to push through, try something new, grow and that is a very good thing.

That speaks of depth of character and of a life bearing witnesses...and that in return gives me solace...

Realizations

Last night I went to bed, deep in thought and a realization hit me right between the eyes. I began to cry and the grief was overwhelming. I made a connection, a spark, a "ah ha moment". I realized that this is all about loss of family. One of my root core things...

I had to "give up" Ryan to survive, the one thing I wanted more than anything...a family. It bore in my soul for a long time and eventually my life filled to the point where it wasn't as painful. Chinle became my family, a place where I was loved, accepted and was "home". I had to give up family again, in hopes of creating one with Chris. It was painful but bore with it the realization that my misery doesn't have anything to do really with my job or my loss of Patrick...sure they are components, but it doesn't define this deep unhappiness.

I really don't know how to heal this. Do I create a family to fill my void? Do I convince my kid to come live with me? Do I create a new family, with friends and a dog? lol  I really don't know, I just know that I am exhausted and it is sucking the life out of me. I don't even know how to express this to Chris because it always ends up with him being defensive, like somehow I am not suppose to feel the way I do or that I blame him...

I have a tough road ahead of me and I am not really sure how to fill this hole in. I have some relief in uncovering such a large realization...although it feels more tumor like, should I cut it from my soul? How do you begin to heal something that has been so long within you.

Mother help me to find the answers...help me to heal my soul...return family to me, so I can be whole...

Begin Anew

January brings with it the crispness of winter and long days of dark. Everything calls us inward, within to our souls. My mind has been wandering, with thoughts of how do I begin to cope with my new life and what can I do that will make it feel more fulfilling. What will bring me happiness again?

Change is inevitable...life is a series of experiences that redefine who we are and what we are becoming. I know I must begin to focus on what what I want again to redefine myself. Will it be creative expression? Will it be healing work? Will it be another level of career? Will I find it again in my marriage?

Begin again, never give up...

The Bucket List

I just finished watching the bucket list, funny, other than being completely loved...I knew of nothing else you ever wanted Patrick. You spent the last seven years, quietly enduring while things slipped away, some slower than others. Your marriage went first, which you know I thought was wonderful. You then lost your ability to focus, control your hand and work...out went your business, which you were so proud of. Little by little, the health crept away...silently, mostly without notice. You never whined for what you were lacking, you remained grateful for what you had. Even when you did ask, you never asked with expectation...

Did you have a bucket list? Was there something you had always wanted to do, to see, to taste, to feel? Did you secretly pine for it?

I think of the moment in the movie when atop of the pyramids, he tells of thestory of what egyptians were asked in the afterlife. Two questions were asked at heaven's gates before being allowed entry into heaven. Did you experience joy in your life? Did you bring joy to others?

How ironic Patrick, you found joy in everything. In a single cell organism, such as lichen or in a beautiful scenic vista. How often you talked about how sad it was that our brothers would never know this in their lives. That their eyes were closed to beauty, to joy of this magnitude.

I was never truly sure you brought joy to others, not fully anyway, until your death. You made me happy, you made animals and children happy. I watched many people baffled by you and yet, upon your death...they came...they wrote...they called...you brought joy Patrick. In your quirky, energy consuming, loving person you were. I am still amazed at those who continue to write, continue to miss you.

I know you wanted to belong to science, and yet you are spread out to those who loved you. You were returned to the earth and will bring beauty to your tree. I wonder how I will feel when I see your first blossums open, and year after year, the peace of knowing you are with me still.

I don't feel that peace today, I know in time I will. I do know this Patrick, I have experienced Joy and I do know that I have brought others joy in my short 43 years. I know that I gave it to you, even in your last days and hours. I miss you dear sweet twin, I miss you so.

Keep the joy flowing, keep the joy flowing...

Seeking Gratitude

Truly I should be full of gratitude, a dream job, beautiful home, man who loves me and nice community. I put out to the universe what I wanted and the universe delivered...yet, I feel lost. I wander through each day, crossing off tasks but very few days I feel fulfilled. Is this grieving? Is this my loss of Chinle? Is this my change in positions?

I have moments, glimpses of happiness...still no peace. I know this time is about me finding myself again and some level redefining myself. As for Patrick, time takes time...and he took a piece of me and honestly I am not sure it will ever be back.

Opportunities for growth....mother help me

New Beginnings

Truly I didn't think this blog would end up empty for so long. I thought by now we would have shared a ton of posts, encouraging you into the new year Patrick. You have been gone for over 11 weeks now and I have barely begun to grieve you.

This blog was my opportunity to write to you everyday to let you know how much you are loved...now what?

Somehow I have to get my energies moving again...I need so much to release you...you are in my heart Patrick and I am missing you everyday. I know you know how much I loved you, I know that I showed it in so many ways...but why am I left with wondering if you would be feeling me the same way if I were gone. Are you there now, looking over my shoulder, peeking at my words...with your hand on my shoulder?

It isn't fair Patrick, I want you here, I want to have booked your flight to me for the holidays...I want to be dreaming of your upcoming show this week and hear about your carving. Damn you for having been so stubborn. Damn you for not taking care of your diabetes. Damn you for thinking you beat it when in reality it was destroying you from the inside out.

I want you back, I want to dream of trips...projects...art...gardens...life with you. I don't know what to do with all this anger and grief.