solace

It is amazing what comes with the pain of discovery...like the sun appearing through the clouds after a fierce storm. I feel peace although I am far from resolved. Is the uncovering of our personal truths really the key. Is peeling back the layers until you find the center all we really need? Could it be that easy?

Some things, I think, just reveal themselves when the mind gets quiet enough to hear the soul speak. Others times, it is the shouts of pain that forces us into the fetal pose to undercover what lies within.

I am grateful today that I have those in my life, although far, who truly "get me" and know my soul. They are my family and although we don't get opportunities to share in Sunday dinners and holidays, they are still there upholding our truth.

I watched a movie last night, Shall We Dance, and I picked up on a line that I didn't notice before. When asked why people marry, she said, I suppose it is because we bear witness on their lives so they know they have existed... Patrick, you came immediately to my mind. I thought, what about Patrick who never found love...then I smiled and realized that his gift, his art and his zany personality...all of it will be remembered by those who knew him. His life didn't go unnoticed...smile.

So, I really don't know about me...what about my life will bear impact on others but as Sarah said today and others, I have encouraged others to move forward...to push through, try something new, grow and that is a very good thing.

That speaks of depth of character and of a life bearing witnesses...and that in return gives me solace...

Realizations

Last night I went to bed, deep in thought and a realization hit me right between the eyes. I began to cry and the grief was overwhelming. I made a connection, a spark, a "ah ha moment". I realized that this is all about loss of family. One of my root core things...

I had to "give up" Ryan to survive, the one thing I wanted more than anything...a family. It bore in my soul for a long time and eventually my life filled to the point where it wasn't as painful. Chinle became my family, a place where I was loved, accepted and was "home". I had to give up family again, in hopes of creating one with Chris. It was painful but bore with it the realization that my misery doesn't have anything to do really with my job or my loss of Patrick...sure they are components, but it doesn't define this deep unhappiness.

I really don't know how to heal this. Do I create a family to fill my void? Do I convince my kid to come live with me? Do I create a new family, with friends and a dog? lol  I really don't know, I just know that I am exhausted and it is sucking the life out of me. I don't even know how to express this to Chris because it always ends up with him being defensive, like somehow I am not suppose to feel the way I do or that I blame him...

I have a tough road ahead of me and I am not really sure how to fill this hole in. I have some relief in uncovering such a large realization...although it feels more tumor like, should I cut it from my soul? How do you begin to heal something that has been so long within you.

Mother help me to find the answers...help me to heal my soul...return family to me, so I can be whole...

Begin Anew

January brings with it the crispness of winter and long days of dark. Everything calls us inward, within to our souls. My mind has been wandering, with thoughts of how do I begin to cope with my new life and what can I do that will make it feel more fulfilling. What will bring me happiness again?

Change is inevitable...life is a series of experiences that redefine who we are and what we are becoming. I know I must begin to focus on what what I want again to redefine myself. Will it be creative expression? Will it be healing work? Will it be another level of career? Will I find it again in my marriage?

Begin again, never give up...

The Bucket List

I just finished watching the bucket list, funny, other than being completely loved...I knew of nothing else you ever wanted Patrick. You spent the last seven years, quietly enduring while things slipped away, some slower than others. Your marriage went first, which you know I thought was wonderful. You then lost your ability to focus, control your hand and work...out went your business, which you were so proud of. Little by little, the health crept away...silently, mostly without notice. You never whined for what you were lacking, you remained grateful for what you had. Even when you did ask, you never asked with expectation...

Did you have a bucket list? Was there something you had always wanted to do, to see, to taste, to feel? Did you secretly pine for it?

I think of the moment in the movie when atop of the pyramids, he tells of thestory of what egyptians were asked in the afterlife. Two questions were asked at heaven's gates before being allowed entry into heaven. Did you experience joy in your life? Did you bring joy to others?

How ironic Patrick, you found joy in everything. In a single cell organism, such as lichen or in a beautiful scenic vista. How often you talked about how sad it was that our brothers would never know this in their lives. That their eyes were closed to beauty, to joy of this magnitude.

I was never truly sure you brought joy to others, not fully anyway, until your death. You made me happy, you made animals and children happy. I watched many people baffled by you and yet, upon your death...they came...they wrote...they called...you brought joy Patrick. In your quirky, energy consuming, loving person you were. I am still amazed at those who continue to write, continue to miss you.

I know you wanted to belong to science, and yet you are spread out to those who loved you. You were returned to the earth and will bring beauty to your tree. I wonder how I will feel when I see your first blossums open, and year after year, the peace of knowing you are with me still.

I don't feel that peace today, I know in time I will. I do know this Patrick, I have experienced Joy and I do know that I have brought others joy in my short 43 years. I know that I gave it to you, even in your last days and hours. I miss you dear sweet twin, I miss you so.

Keep the joy flowing, keep the joy flowing...

Seeking Gratitude

Truly I should be full of gratitude, a dream job, beautiful home, man who loves me and nice community. I put out to the universe what I wanted and the universe delivered...yet, I feel lost. I wander through each day, crossing off tasks but very few days I feel fulfilled. Is this grieving? Is this my loss of Chinle? Is this my change in positions?

I have moments, glimpses of happiness...still no peace. I know this time is about me finding myself again and some level redefining myself. As for Patrick, time takes time...and he took a piece of me and honestly I am not sure it will ever be back.

Opportunities for growth....mother help me

New Beginnings

Truly I didn't think this blog would end up empty for so long. I thought by now we would have shared a ton of posts, encouraging you into the new year Patrick. You have been gone for over 11 weeks now and I have barely begun to grieve you.

This blog was my opportunity to write to you everyday to let you know how much you are loved...now what?

Somehow I have to get my energies moving again...I need so much to release you...you are in my heart Patrick and I am missing you everyday. I know you know how much I loved you, I know that I showed it in so many ways...but why am I left with wondering if you would be feeling me the same way if I were gone. Are you there now, looking over my shoulder, peeking at my words...with your hand on my shoulder?

It isn't fair Patrick, I want you here, I want to have booked your flight to me for the holidays...I want to be dreaming of your upcoming show this week and hear about your carving. Damn you for having been so stubborn. Damn you for not taking care of your diabetes. Damn you for thinking you beat it when in reality it was destroying you from the inside out.

I want you back, I want to dream of trips...projects...art...gardens...life with you. I don't know what to do with all this anger and grief.

a new day dawns

How ironic to be here now, understanding everything with perfect clarity...especially my dream now. I knew it was about you, but I just couldn't figure it out. I really thought it was symbolic, not literal...lol.  I don't know why I was given the gift of sight, perhaps it was so I would always be ready to handle anything that would come my way. My mother had always told me that my namesake, Nana Jane had this gift. Nana Jane knew she was leaving early and how sad she was to not be there to see her grandbabies grow...

So many gifts, so many memories...so much love and joy flowing and coursing through our hearts and our veins. My prayer Patrick is that you would continue your work around us...that the "clue" would spread like wildfire and in a flash we all could be connected finally. The collective consciousness, dialed into one another with pettiness and hate leaving us finally.
Martian Keitel summarized it so well, he said:

Are we just machines receiving data and converting it into something that can be processed in our brains? Of course not. We also produce more data as a reaction to the data that comes to us. And what is the element in us that determines how we respond to our surroundings?


It was said that the information from our senses goes to our brains. But the brains can't be compared to a machine like the sensitive organs can. The senses work in a systematical way. They always do their job similarly. Of course they can get faults or they can wear out in time, but they have a certain task to do and they do it systematically and constantly. However, the brains both receive and output selectively. This selection is based on our consciousness.


Consciousness is what really makes us human beings. After all, we couldn't realize the flow of sights, sounds, smells and tastes without having a consciousness, not to talk about making decisions based on these.

We will talk further on the role of DNA and our genetic coding later.


We always knew our gifts, you and I Patrick...old souls traveling together and how we used to laugh about this family we were put into. All the pain, fear, stress and rejection we had to bear...much like labour that always feels unbearable while enduring it and then finally we deliver and life is born...creation.

I also remember our many conversations about Maslow's hierarcy of needs and how we must first meet our basic primal needs before we can transcend to the next level and how so few people actually become self-actualized in their lifetimes...I smile now thinking of all our efforts and triumphs to meet your physiological, although you had totally scored on all the other levels of his pyramid. "You rule Spatty!" I know Patrick had made it to the top and found a way to stay self-actualized through his beliefs and the life he led, although he struggled so hard to keep his head above water in his material poverty....but he was so rich with life.

I love you Patrick. I started this blog as a way for you to pop in and connect with my heart/soul/mind and emotions. Although we talked so often, I thought it might comfort you to be able to come here and see the love I have for you. I know how devasted you were that you were losing two of your dearest friends, Mr. Kerr and Matthew through distance. How Ironic is the meaning of the names Stephen ~ crowned and Matthew ~ god's gift. You were crowned (representing a level of the highest possible achievement or attainment) and god's gift from Jackie to you was Matthew. I told her this last night as she was having anxiety in seeing her former boyfriend. What a gift!

In closing, I get it...grin...the blog was for you Patrick and now I can put everything here to share with those who are grieving losing you. It was created with the intention of "for your eyes only", but I realize after many days of holding crying friends and total strangers writing to me (us) that we all need this blog.

I will continue to teach the lessons dear wombie, I won't let them forget....