Monday, October 25, 2010

New Beginnings

Truly I didn't think this blog would end up empty for so long. I thought by now we would have shared a ton of posts, encouraging you into the new year Patrick. You have been gone for over 11 weeks now and I have barely begun to grieve you.

This blog was my opportunity to write to you everyday to let you know how much you are loved...now what?

Somehow I have to get my energies moving again...I need so much to release you...you are in my heart Patrick and I am missing you everyday. I know you know how much I loved you, I know that I showed it in so many ways...but why am I left with wondering if you would be feeling me the same way if I were gone. Are you there now, looking over my shoulder, peeking at my words...with your hand on my shoulder?

It isn't fair Patrick, I want you here, I want to have booked your flight to me for the holidays...I want to be dreaming of your upcoming show this week and hear about your carving. Damn you for having been so stubborn. Damn you for not taking care of your diabetes. Damn you for thinking you beat it when in reality it was destroying you from the inside out.

I want you back, I want to dream of trips...projects...art...gardens...life with you. I don't know what to do with all this anger and grief.