The Bucket List

I just finished watching the bucket list, funny, other than being completely loved...I knew of nothing else you ever wanted Patrick. You spent the last seven years, quietly enduring while things slipped away, some slower than others. Your marriage went first, which you know I thought was wonderful. You then lost your ability to focus, control your hand and work...out went your business, which you were so proud of. Little by little, the health crept away...silently, mostly without notice. You never whined for what you were lacking, you remained grateful for what you had. Even when you did ask, you never asked with expectation...

Did you have a bucket list? Was there something you had always wanted to do, to see, to taste, to feel? Did you secretly pine for it?

I think of the moment in the movie when atop of the pyramids, he tells of thestory of what egyptians were asked in the afterlife. Two questions were asked at heaven's gates before being allowed entry into heaven. Did you experience joy in your life? Did you bring joy to others?

How ironic Patrick, you found joy in everything. In a single cell organism, such as lichen or in a beautiful scenic vista. How often you talked about how sad it was that our brothers would never know this in their lives. That their eyes were closed to beauty, to joy of this magnitude.

I was never truly sure you brought joy to others, not fully anyway, until your death. You made me happy, you made animals and children happy. I watched many people baffled by you and yet, upon your death...they came...they wrote...they called...you brought joy Patrick. In your quirky, energy consuming, loving person you were. I am still amazed at those who continue to write, continue to miss you.

I know you wanted to belong to science, and yet you are spread out to those who loved you. You were returned to the earth and will bring beauty to your tree. I wonder how I will feel when I see your first blossums open, and year after year, the peace of knowing you are with me still.

I don't feel that peace today, I know in time I will. I do know this Patrick, I have experienced Joy and I do know that I have brought others joy in my short 43 years. I know that I gave it to you, even in your last days and hours. I miss you dear sweet twin, I miss you so.

Keep the joy flowing, keep the joy flowing...

Seeking Gratitude

Truly I should be full of gratitude, a dream job, beautiful home, man who loves me and nice community. I put out to the universe what I wanted and the universe delivered...yet, I feel lost. I wander through each day, crossing off tasks but very few days I feel fulfilled. Is this grieving? Is this my loss of Chinle? Is this my change in positions?

I have moments, glimpses of happiness...still no peace. I know this time is about me finding myself again and some level redefining myself. As for Patrick, time takes time...and he took a piece of me and honestly I am not sure it will ever be back.

Opportunities for growth....mother help me