Realizations

Last night I went to bed, deep in thought and a realization hit me right between the eyes. I began to cry and the grief was overwhelming. I made a connection, a spark, a "ah ha moment". I realized that this is all about loss of family. One of my root core things...

I had to "give up" Ryan to survive, the one thing I wanted more than anything...a family. It bore in my soul for a long time and eventually my life filled to the point where it wasn't as painful. Chinle became my family, a place where I was loved, accepted and was "home". I had to give up family again, in hopes of creating one with Chris. It was painful but bore with it the realization that my misery doesn't have anything to do really with my job or my loss of Patrick...sure they are components, but it doesn't define this deep unhappiness.

I really don't know how to heal this. Do I create a family to fill my void? Do I convince my kid to come live with me? Do I create a new family, with friends and a dog? lol  I really don't know, I just know that I am exhausted and it is sucking the life out of me. I don't even know how to express this to Chris because it always ends up with him being defensive, like somehow I am not suppose to feel the way I do or that I blame him...

I have a tough road ahead of me and I am not really sure how to fill this hole in. I have some relief in uncovering such a large realization...although it feels more tumor like, should I cut it from my soul? How do you begin to heal something that has been so long within you.

Mother help me to find the answers...help me to heal my soul...return family to me, so I can be whole...