solace

It is amazing what comes with the pain of discovery...like the sun appearing through the clouds after a fierce storm. I feel peace although I am far from resolved. Is the uncovering of our personal truths really the key. Is peeling back the layers until you find the center all we really need? Could it be that easy?

Some things, I think, just reveal themselves when the mind gets quiet enough to hear the soul speak. Others times, it is the shouts of pain that forces us into the fetal pose to undercover what lies within.

I am grateful today that I have those in my life, although far, who truly "get me" and know my soul. They are my family and although we don't get opportunities to share in Sunday dinners and holidays, they are still there upholding our truth.

I watched a movie last night, Shall We Dance, and I picked up on a line that I didn't notice before. When asked why people marry, she said, I suppose it is because we bear witness on their lives so they know they have existed... Patrick, you came immediately to my mind. I thought, what about Patrick who never found love...then I smiled and realized that his gift, his art and his zany personality...all of it will be remembered by those who knew him. His life didn't go unnoticed...smile.

So, I really don't know about me...what about my life will bear impact on others but as Sarah said today and others, I have encouraged others to move forward...to push through, try something new, grow and that is a very good thing.

That speaks of depth of character and of a life bearing witnesses...and that in return gives me solace...

Realizations

Last night I went to bed, deep in thought and a realization hit me right between the eyes. I began to cry and the grief was overwhelming. I made a connection, a spark, a "ah ha moment". I realized that this is all about loss of family. One of my root core things...

I had to "give up" Ryan to survive, the one thing I wanted more than anything...a family. It bore in my soul for a long time and eventually my life filled to the point where it wasn't as painful. Chinle became my family, a place where I was loved, accepted and was "home". I had to give up family again, in hopes of creating one with Chris. It was painful but bore with it the realization that my misery doesn't have anything to do really with my job or my loss of Patrick...sure they are components, but it doesn't define this deep unhappiness.

I really don't know how to heal this. Do I create a family to fill my void? Do I convince my kid to come live with me? Do I create a new family, with friends and a dog? lol  I really don't know, I just know that I am exhausted and it is sucking the life out of me. I don't even know how to express this to Chris because it always ends up with him being defensive, like somehow I am not suppose to feel the way I do or that I blame him...

I have a tough road ahead of me and I am not really sure how to fill this hole in. I have some relief in uncovering such a large realization...although it feels more tumor like, should I cut it from my soul? How do you begin to heal something that has been so long within you.

Mother help me to find the answers...help me to heal my soul...return family to me, so I can be whole...

Begin Anew

January brings with it the crispness of winter and long days of dark. Everything calls us inward, within to our souls. My mind has been wandering, with thoughts of how do I begin to cope with my new life and what can I do that will make it feel more fulfilling. What will bring me happiness again?

Change is inevitable...life is a series of experiences that redefine who we are and what we are becoming. I know I must begin to focus on what what I want again to redefine myself. Will it be creative expression? Will it be healing work? Will it be another level of career? Will I find it again in my marriage?

Begin again, never give up...